Sticks and stones.

There are normally two types of children when it comes to being disciplined. The first kind, the ones who you put them in time out, take something away and/or spank and your point is more than proved. The punishment has set in and no words could communicate more powerfully than those actions. The second, children who you can merely do nothing and just give them a small glance and utter that dreaded phrase "I am disappointed in you." There is not much to it but that small phrase will echo in their minds more than any punishment, in all honesty they would probably prefer you to take everything away than say that statement.

I was lovely option two, I couldn't tell you the times my parents spanked me, well maybe a few times. But I can tell you down to the smallest detail of when they told me they were disappointed in me. Now it did not happen often I was never one to make a lot of trouble, mainly out of fear of hearing the word disappointment. Some might read that and almost laugh, some might say I need a SoZo (don't worry I live with Luci Fowler, inner healing is a part of our normal lives).

Now that I am an adult, even though typing the word 'adult' a part of me felt uncomfortable, as if I was lying. But maybe that is part of growing up, coming to terms... with... well with adulthood. We all looked so forward to it now that it is happening I would love to deny it. I still have those moments when I feel like a five year old waiting for someone to tell me they are disappointed in me. As silly as it sounds, it is true. In the last few weeks I have had more of an awareness to this lovely pattern of mine. It all started when a friend simply told me they wanted to talk to me about something. Now I could not even tell you who it was or what it was about any more, but the second I read that text message my stomach dropped and instantly fear rushed over me.

Now for those of you who know me, I am not a very fearful person. I have seen some pretty crazy things in my life time that many would classify as dangerous or risky. But for some reason that phrase still gets me. Instantly my throat tightens and my heart is pounding faster than if I went bungee jumping (and I have before). The funny thing is I have talked to several of my mentors and peers which they have said they feel the exact same way. Its almost funny how often I, and maybe you, struggle with that problem. Some call it people pleasing, some say its insecurity. Now if someone told me they hated everything about me I would probably be able to handle it better than the dreaded "I need to talk to you about something."

So why is that? I do not know, but let me tell you I am praying it, and working through it. I have learned that a lot of my life I have not really had healthy spiritual accountability and leadership. And because of it confrontation, letting people down, and learning I was not the best example, makes me want to throw up. But I guess that is a part of the process of growing up, learning the places that God needs to invade. The places where I need to die, and He needs to be resurrected. I am learning it's okay to make mistakes, that I am honestly probably the only person who expects perfection from myself. Having grace for myself might be one of the hardest things for me. And it takes more humility and maturity to make a mistake and learn from it, then to not do something out of fear of confrontation, and rubbing someone the wrong way. I am learning, slowly, but I am learning. There is so much about myself and about Jesus I never knew before. To be honest being open and transparent is not comfortable. But its more important to be uncomfortable and grow, than comfortable and walk on egg shells. I guess this is part of my process-- vulnerability. So here goes nothing, God break me, make me into something beautiful.

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is one of the greatest accomplishments.

Loving through His love,

-Naomi Fowler

There are probably to many details in this, but its worth reading it all!

So about two weeks ago I was sitting in a car with two of my closest friends Molly and Allie, we were driving back from Savannah, Georgia. I asked a question, simple, probably a little silly, but it has never stopped me from asking before so why start now? It was this "Everyone is known for something, Allie's is her unique amazing voice, anointing for worship, and passion, Molly your wisdom, maturity, and for your artistic-ness. What is my 'thing'". After a few minutes they decided it was my ability to "socialize" with pretty much anyone, if it is Wal-mart, or the doctors office, I supposedly know no awkward silences. At first I was kind of disappointed, I mean really who wants to be known for being overly outgoing and talking to everyone. To their defense it is true, and that probably would be what people think of when they go "Oh Naomi... she will talk to ANYONE" and considering my calling it comes in handy. ;-)

And disclaimer, I am not saying all of that to get a pity "No, Naomi you are so... blah blah" I got over my immature temper tantrum, and realized it was dead on. But this is just the iceberg to my little story for today. Friday rolled around and I was doing some errands with my mom pretty much driving all over the world. During the course of the day my mom agreed with Allie's and Molly's statement, manly because she kept finding me talking with everyone and anyone about who even knows what. My mom and I went that afternoon to get my eyes checked, lucky me my vision has gotten just a little worse and my face has a new pair of glasses on them. While said glasses were being made my mom needed to go to Home depot. While I decided I needed to get pens, why pens... who knows, I do enjoy new pens a lot. Even more so because I am left handed and the majority of pens smear when I write with them which drives me CRAZY!

So I decided to go into Office max while my mom is in Home depot. I go in get my pens and high lighters (6 colors just in case you were wondering, and the pen doesn't smear at all it is a beautiful find) as I headed to the check out counter I see a couple standing in line. Being the sweet nosey person I am I hear the wife confirming something to her husband over and over. Of course I decided it would be a good idea to help this lady out, so I butt in and start confirming with her, having no idea what I was confirming, but never the less I would have fooled anyone making them think I was involved in the whole conversation. Luckily they both laughed and informed me that they were talking about this thing called a 'daniel fast'. I throw in a few helpful hints, more so for the husband so he does not starve and has some things that taste like meat (spinach and mushrooms sautéed with black beans, daniel faster's best friend). Somehow we end up talking about missions which of course leads to healings, and testimonies. Please don't ask me how I will not have an answer. I felt like I was supposed to share a few testimonies of healings I had seen one of them being about a woman in a wheel chair who was 100 percent healed from about a year ago this time.

If you know me well then you probably know I am horrible at sharing testimonies, I get really uncomfortable and am not really sure what or how to say it. I am working on it I promise... even right now, hence the point of this blog! Anyways, the woman starts tearing up and asks that after I purchase my items if I would mind praying for her. Now obviously she is not in a wheel chair, and I am not really used to people asking me if I can pray for them. Normally it's the other way around, normally I am asking if I can pray for them. To say the least I was in a bit of shock, but never the less excited to see what God wanted to do.

This might come off as silly, but pretty much every time I ever pray for someone and ask for the Holy spirit to come and encounter and touch that person I always have that moment of "What the heck am I doing? Jesus, are you SURE you want me to do this?" So as that is running through my head, and I am getting over those beautiful moments of flesh I ask what they want prayer for. By this time the woman is in tears and sharing with me about her eight year old son who has cerebral palsy. They explain the situation, and how God is working in their and their son's life. I just give a brief statement of what my views of Jesus, and how I believe in the power of healing through the Holy spirit. After they show me several pictures of their son we stand in a circle holding hands (kicking it old school). I get a few words for them, a pretty short simple prayer, nothing crazy, you wouldn't really walk by and go "wow that is an intense prayer". That is one thing I have learned I do not have to scream, pray for a really long time, or use those wonderful church lingo words that no one really understands for a prayer to effect someone's heart, and lives.

I go home and about four hours later get a phone call from an unknown number. Those you who know me, know I rarely answer my phone, and even more so from someone who's number I do not have-- but be proud of me I picked up. On the other end I hear a woman's voice who is sobbing, it sounds like a good cry but I still was not sure. Understanding anyone crying is always a fun adventure-- come to find out it was the woman from earlier that day. She came home and her son who had been in a wheelchair his whole life had complete feeling in his upper body and had full mobility to walk. PRAISE JESUS!

Now I again feel so uncomfortable telling testimonies-- but I am learning the power of a testimony and what God can do. It is important to build up the body of faith, but by no means is this anything to do with me, or anything its ALL Jesus. Thats all, the end. Sorry this was so long, if you are disappointed with the story I will make you some chocolate chip cookies (or as my friends calls them "get yourself a husband cookies"). So I hope you enjoyed it and don't feel like you wasted twenty minutes.