Sticks and stones.

There are normally two types of children when it comes to being disciplined. The first kind, the ones who you put them in time out, take something away and/or spank and your point is more than proved. The punishment has set in and no words could communicate more powerfully than those actions. The second, children who you can merely do nothing and just give them a small glance and utter that dreaded phrase "I am disappointed in you." There is not much to it but that small phrase will echo in their minds more than any punishment, in all honesty they would probably prefer you to take everything away than say that statement.

I was lovely option two, I couldn't tell you the times my parents spanked me, well maybe a few times. But I can tell you down to the smallest detail of when they told me they were disappointed in me. Now it did not happen often I was never one to make a lot of trouble, mainly out of fear of hearing the word disappointment. Some might read that and almost laugh, some might say I need a SoZo (don't worry I live with Luci Fowler, inner healing is a part of our normal lives).

Now that I am an adult, even though typing the word 'adult' a part of me felt uncomfortable, as if I was lying. But maybe that is part of growing up, coming to terms... with... well with adulthood. We all looked so forward to it now that it is happening I would love to deny it. I still have those moments when I feel like a five year old waiting for someone to tell me they are disappointed in me. As silly as it sounds, it is true. In the last few weeks I have had more of an awareness to this lovely pattern of mine. It all started when a friend simply told me they wanted to talk to me about something. Now I could not even tell you who it was or what it was about any more, but the second I read that text message my stomach dropped and instantly fear rushed over me.

Now for those of you who know me, I am not a very fearful person. I have seen some pretty crazy things in my life time that many would classify as dangerous or risky. But for some reason that phrase still gets me. Instantly my throat tightens and my heart is pounding faster than if I went bungee jumping (and I have before). The funny thing is I have talked to several of my mentors and peers which they have said they feel the exact same way. Its almost funny how often I, and maybe you, struggle with that problem. Some call it people pleasing, some say its insecurity. Now if someone told me they hated everything about me I would probably be able to handle it better than the dreaded "I need to talk to you about something."

So why is that? I do not know, but let me tell you I am praying it, and working through it. I have learned that a lot of my life I have not really had healthy spiritual accountability and leadership. And because of it confrontation, letting people down, and learning I was not the best example, makes me want to throw up. But I guess that is a part of the process of growing up, learning the places that God needs to invade. The places where I need to die, and He needs to be resurrected. I am learning it's okay to make mistakes, that I am honestly probably the only person who expects perfection from myself. Having grace for myself might be one of the hardest things for me. And it takes more humility and maturity to make a mistake and learn from it, then to not do something out of fear of confrontation, and rubbing someone the wrong way. I am learning, slowly, but I am learning. There is so much about myself and about Jesus I never knew before. To be honest being open and transparent is not comfortable. But its more important to be uncomfortable and grow, than comfortable and walk on egg shells. I guess this is part of my process-- vulnerability. So here goes nothing, God break me, make me into something beautiful.

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is one of the greatest accomplishments.

Loving through His love,

-Naomi Fowler